


Just Another Supermarket Freebie

by a_big_apple



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Bananas, Condoms, Innuendo, M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-08
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_big_apple/pseuds/a_big_apple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruhi brings back an unusual freebie from the supermarket, which prompts a lesson all responsible gentlemen should learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Another Supermarket Freebie

By the time Haruhi returned with the instant coffee, the last of the guests had gone and the hosts had changed out of the day’s skin-baring tropical cosplay. Honey and Mori were nowhere in sight—probably they’d already left. The twins were sprawled together on a couch playing a video game, and Tamaki sat gazing out the window. All three looked up and smiled when she came in—clearly they’d been waiting for her. Only Kyoya seemed not to care, his eyes fixed on the laptop screen and his fingers pulling calculations from the keyboard.

“Let’s have one more cup of coffee before we go,” Kaoru suggested, though he made no move to get up and make it.

“It’ll keep you up tonight,” Hikaru replied, though from his tone it wasn’t really a warning.

Tamaki unfolded his long legs from the window sill. “I’ll make some. Let me take that for you, Haruhi.” 

Haruhi shrugged and gave over the bag; it wasn’t really that heavy, but she didn’t have the energy to deny Tamaki his small pleasures. Though she did notice how his hands brushed hers, and the little flush of pink that crept up his neck at the contact. She took a breath and sat, willing her own blood to stay cool as Tamaki hurried away.

The room fell silent again, except the electronic beeps and boops of the twins’ game, until Tamaki’s perplexed voice called out from the storeroom. “Haruhi, what are these?” 

“What are what?”

“These little square packets. Are they for the coffee?” Tamaki emerged with a handful, spilling them on the table between Haruhi and twins.

Haruhi rolled her eyes. “No, they’re not for the coffee. They’re condoms.”

“C-C-CONDOMS?!”

“I’ve never seen one before, have you, Hikaru?”

“No, me neither, Kaoru.”

Suddenly Tamaki’s face was far too close to Haruhi’s, shock written across his features. “Haruhi, what were you doing buying…well…buying _those_? You’re not…” He staggered back, looking as though the world was caving in around him. “You’re not… _using them_ , are you?”

“Senpai, stop being such an idiot. Of course I’m not using them, I’m a GIRL. They were freebies at the convenience store, and I figured maybe you guys might want to keep some around.”

“Why would you think such a thing? Haruhi, have those shady twins propositioned you? Or maybe it was that creepy Bossa Nova! How dare anyone suggest such lewd behavior with MY LITTLE GIRL!”

Nobody noticed Kyoya get up, but suddenly he had a firm hand on Tamaki’s shoulder, looking at him a little disdainfully over the tops of his glasses. “Get a hold of yourself, Tamaki.”

“But Mommy dear, this is a travesty! I must find out who’s to blame! There will be PUNISHMENT!”

“Nobody propositioned me, senpai, get a grip!”

Tamaki paused, looking at her. “Nobody…propositioned you?”

“Nobody.”

“Oh…I see. Then why…oh…hmm.” Tamaki slithered into a chair, boneless and confused as the others exchanged “he’s such an idiot” glances. Kyoya leaned down to take a condom from the table, turning it over in his fingers.

“Not the most reliable brand, but it wasn’t a bad thought. After all, though we don’t offer sexual services to our guests, we are all pubescent boys, Haruhi excepted. It would be wise to keep some prophylactics on hand for our personal use.”

Hikaru raised an eyebrow at Kyoya. “Not the most reliable brand? You mean you’ve actually used these before?”

Kyoya shrugged at him, unfazed. “A gentleman should be prepared for any eventuality.”

Hikaru snorted as Kaoru grabbed one, examining it. “How do you even get it open? I don’t understand.” With a precise, practiced gesture, Kyoya tore a package open and held up the condom for the twins to see; clumsily, Kaoru tried the same, and after some fumbling pulled the condom roughly from the packaging. “Huh. But then what do you do with it?”

Haruhi made a choked little noise and looked down at her hands as Hikaru smiled indulgently. “Well, you put it on your…” he glanced at Haruhi, and leaned to murmur the rest in his twin’s ear.

“I knew that much,” Kaoru replied, annoyed. "I mean, how? I don’t get it.”

“Well…” Hikaru took the condom from his twin’s hand, holding it up to the light and turning it at different angles. “I don’t know.”

Kyoya sighed. “Perhaps a demonstration is in order.”

Haruhi made the choked little noise again, and stood abruptly. “Well, I’ll leave you guys to it, gotta get home and make dinner.”

“Bye, Haruhi,” the twins answered together, still distractedly examining the condom.

“Oh, Haruhi,” Kyoya called after her. “Would you bring us some of the leftover bananas from the storeroom before you go?”

“Uh…sure, senpai…”

A few minutes later, after Haruhi’d brought the bananas and hurriedly left, Kyoya gave Tamaki a not-too-gentle nudge. “You should pay attention to this also, Tamaki.”

“What?” The Club King blinked, coming slowly out of his cloud of confusion. “Pay attention to what?”

“I’m going to demonstrate condom application. Something every gentleman should know.”

“Every gentleman…Well…all right, Kyoya.” Tamaki leaned forward to watch, seeming innocently curious now that Haruhi and propositioning had been taken out of the picture. “But what are the bananas for?”

Kyoya held up a slightly greenish one. “The bananas will be standing in for penises.”

The twins snorted, looking at each other. “ _Standing in_ ,” the murmured together, giggling, and Kyoya sighed. 

“Please try to control yourselves. Now if you’ll each take a banana and a condom, we’ll proceed.” Tamaki, flushed, awkward at the mention of male anatomy, hesitantly took one of each from the table as Kyoya continued. “You must be careful when opening the packaging—condoms can rip, defeating the purpose of their use.” He took the condom he’d opened earlier in one hand, the banana in the other. “Now, you see how the edges are rolled up? You place it this way over the tip, and roll it gently downward. Try to do it in one smooth stroke.”

“ _Stroke_ ,” the twins whispered to each other, though with less giggling than before, and a little more holding each other’s eyes. Tamaki, still absorbing this concept, watched Kyoya’s hand slide down around the banana with his mouth slightly open and a flush of red in his cheeks.

Kyoya held up the condom-wrapped fruit. “Now you all try it.”

Tamaki managed rather well; his delicate, dextrous fingers had no difficulty prying the condom from the package and rolling it over the length of the banana without tearing, though his face and neck were red as a beet by the time he’d finished. Hikaru was no slouch either, though his rolled up on him again when he got too distracted looking at his brother. Kaoru’s attempt was the most disastrous; his had already ripped when he pulled it so roughly from the packaging before, and now he pushed it on too far, tearing a wide hole in the tip. He looked from his banana to the others’ frowning. “Why am I the only one who can’t do it?”

Hikaru pulled him closer, smiling. “It’s all right, Kaoru. You’re good at other things.”

“Like what?” Tamaki asked, entirely innocent, and Hikaru grinned. The older twin took Kaoru’s banana and quickly peeled the skin free, holding it up to Kaoru’s mouth. 

“Open up, Kaoru.” The younger twin smiled slowly and obeyed, holding his brother’s eyes as Hikaru slowly pushed the banana along his tongue. Tamaki and Kyoya watched, one with widening eyes, the other’s expression unchanging, as the banana kept going. Kaoru’s adam’s apple bobbed under his white-skinned throat as more and more of the fruit disappeared, until the whole length of it was gone and Kaoru closed his lips around the ends of Hikaru’s fingers, swallowing it down without ever chewing.

A moment of stunned silence fell over the group as Hikaru smiled with suddenly private fondness at his brother, sliding his fingers from Kaoru’s mouth down over his throat; they both jumped, startled, when Kyoya spoke.

“Huh…no gag reflex. Interesting.”

The twins giggled, pressed close to each other on the couch as Tamaki toppled from his chair in a dead faint.

“Well,” Kaoru smiled, eyes never leaving Hikaru’s, “I’ve had lots of practice.”


End file.
